It’s the time of year where I feel perfectly at ease forsaking my proper column-writing for something a bit daft. Hopefully you’ve eaten and drunk far more than you should over the festive period and like me are slobbing around on the sofa looking for entertainment that doesn’t cause you to have to concentrate too hard.
Because I was at a rather good party last night, I am grateful that I can resort to an end-of-year column that does not require a lot of thought, research or clever language. I am hoping I can get to the end without succumbing to the overwhelming desire to go and lie down again, even though I have not long been up. Thankfully I have my trusty companion to support me today – ‘The Funniest Thing You Never Said’ by Rosemarie Jarski, a book I like to dip into over the festive season. It is a collection of humorous quotations by famous people, all helpfully sorted into categories
As it is the new year, and many of us will have made resolutions to lose weight and get fitter, I thought I’d look into the ‘Exercise’ and ‘Diet’ sections to see if I could find some laughs. I certainly did, and wonder, do the following quotes make you giggle as much as they did me?
“I don’t work out. If God wanted us to bend over he’d have put diamonds on the floor.” Joan Rivers.
“Do I lift weights? Sure. Every time I stand up.” Dolly Parton.
“If God had wanted me to touch my toes he’d have put them on my knees.” Rosanne Barr.
“I exercise every morning without fail. Up, down! Up, down! Then the other eyelid.” Anthony Hopkins.
“ I often exercise. Why, only the other morning I had breakfast in bed.” Oscar Wilde.
“My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit down.” Phyllis Diller.
“Nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.” Nora Ephron.
“ I want to lose ten pounds. I just don’t know if I should start power-walking or smoking.” Lisa Goich.
“If you want to lose weight, all you’ve got to do is eat less and take a bit of exercise.”
“Sweetie, if it was that easy, everybody would be doing it.” Saffy and Edina Monsoon, Absolutely Fabulous.
“Perfectly healthy people are working themselves into a passion over their weight. Anyone would think Saint Peter stands at the Pearly Gates with a tape measure.” Ann Widdecombe.
“I’m a light eater. As soon as it’s light, I eat.” Henry Youngman.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.” Jerry Seinfeld.
“It’s a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” Dave Barry.
“The lunches of 57 years had caused his chest to slip down to the mezzanine level.” P.G. Wodehouse.
“I’m on two diets at the moment because you simply don’t get enough to eat on one.” Jo Brand.
“When purchasing exercise equipment, make sure it is of sturdy construction and that there is enough space to hang all of your wet washing on it.” Jeff Green.
“I’m on this amazing new diet. You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and as much as you want. You don’t lose any weight, but it’s very easy to stick to.” George Tricker.
“It takes six months to get in shape and two weeks to get out of shape. As soon as you know this, you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.” Rita Rudner.
“I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” Fred Allen.
“The doctor asked if I ever got breathless after exercise. I said no, never, because I never exercise.” John Mortimer.
“I take my only exercise acting as pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.” Mark Twain.
I hope these have made you smile, and I shall leave you with a more philosophical quote seen printed on a T-shirt:
“Eat Right. Exercise. Die Anyway.”
I wish you all a very Happy New Year!
This column appeared in the Darlington & Stockton Times on Friday 2nd Jan and the Ryedale Gazette and Herald on Wednesday 31sr Dec 2025
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