Tag: Fitness

Laughing into 2026

Happy New Year! I resolved to exercise more last year to prepare for my triathlon – have you made any resolutions this year?

 

It’s the time of year where I feel perfectly at ease forsaking my proper column-writing for something a bit daft. Hopefully you’ve eaten and drunk far more than you should over the festive period and like me are slobbing around on the sofa looking for entertainment that doesn’t cause you to have to concentrate too hard.

Because I was at a rather good party last night, I am grateful that I can resort to an end-of-year column that does not require a lot of thought, research or clever language. I am hoping I can get to the end without succumbing to the overwhelming desire to go and lie down again, even though I have not long been up. Thankfully I have my trusty companion to support me today – ‘The Funniest Thing You Never Said’ by Rosemarie Jarski, a book I like to dip into over the festive season. It is a collection of humorous quotations by famous people, all helpfully sorted into categories

As it is the new year, and many of us will have made resolutions to lose weight and get fitter, I thought I’d look into the ‘Exercise’ and ‘Diet’ sections to see if I could find some laughs. I certainly did, and wonder, do the following quotes make you giggle as much as they did me?

“I don’t work out. If God wanted us to bend over he’d have put diamonds on the floor.” Joan Rivers.

“Do I lift weights? Sure. Every time I stand up.” Dolly Parton.

“If God had wanted me to touch my toes he’d have put them on my knees.” Rosanne Barr.

“I exercise every morning without fail. Up, down! Up, down! Then the other eyelid.” Anthony Hopkins.

“ I often exercise. Why, only the other morning I had breakfast in bed.” Oscar Wilde.

“My idea of exercise is a good, brisk sit down.” Phyllis Diller.

“Nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.” Nora Ephron.

“ I want to lose ten pounds. I just don’t know if I should start power-walking or smoking.” Lisa Goich.

“If you want to lose weight, all you’ve got to do is eat less and take a bit of exercise.”

“Sweetie, if it was that easy, everybody would be doing it.” Saffy and Edina Monsoon, Absolutely Fabulous.

“Perfectly healthy people are working themselves into a passion over their weight. Anyone would think Saint Peter stands at the Pearly Gates with a tape measure.” Ann Widdecombe.

“I’m a light eater. As soon as it’s light, I eat.” Henry Youngman.

“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.” Jerry Seinfeld.

“It’s a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” Dave Barry.

“The lunches of 57 years had caused his chest to slip down to the mezzanine level.” P.G. Wodehouse.

“I’m on two diets at the moment because you simply don’t get enough to eat on one.” Jo Brand.

“When purchasing exercise equipment, make sure it is of sturdy construction and that there is enough space to hang all of your wet washing on it.” Jeff Green.

“I’m on this amazing new diet. You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and as much as you want. You don’t lose any weight, but it’s very easy to stick to.” George Tricker.

“It takes six months to get in shape and two weeks to get out of shape. As soon as you know this, you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.” Rita Rudner.

“I like long walks. Especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” Fred Allen.

“The doctor asked if I ever got breathless after exercise. I said no, never, because I never exercise.” John Mortimer.

“I take my only exercise acting as pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.” Mark Twain.

I hope these have made you smile, and I shall leave you with a more philosophical quote seen printed on a T-shirt:

“Eat Right. Exercise. Die Anyway.”

I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

This column appeared in the Darlington & Stockton Times on Friday 2nd Jan and the Ryedale Gazette and Herald on Wednesday 31sr Dec 2025

All you have to do is tri

I hi-fived my loved ones who were waiting by the finish line. Their support got me to the end.

 

Seeing my loved ones with home-made signs cheering me from the sidelines kept me going

 

Do you remember that way back in January I announced that in a moment of madness, I had applied to take part in a triathlon? I wrote: “For those not familiar with this ridiculous athletic challenge, a triathlon is three sporting disciplines performed back-to-back in this order: Swim, cycle, run. There are various distances and mine is a 400-metre swim, followed by a 20-kilometre bike ride and a five-kilometre run.” I’d had this latent desire to do a triathlon for many years which I can’t really explain, and neither can I explain why I waited until I was old and creaky to actually get round to giving it a go.

I can now reveal that I have done it! It was held at York Sport Village with around 400 competitors from all over the country. I completed it in under two hours without sinking, falling off my bike or tripping over. My legs and knees are still reminding me of it every minute of every day but I have to admit, the sense of achievement feels pretty damn good. This was my first attempt at doing anything like this, so I took it nice and steady, my goal being to preserve energy for the final run to ensure I actually made it to the end without collapsing in exhaustion.

I was not tempted to chase other people who sailed by me in the pool, whizzed past on fancy racing bikes, or glided effortlessly by on the run. The competitor in me resisted the urge to try and go a bit faster or to push harder, because the fear of failing after I had told so many people I was going to do it was greater than the fear of being overtaken by speedier participants.

As for the training that I had pledged to do at the start of the year, well, it was patchy at best, and I would not recommend that anyone follow my example when preparing for an athletic endeavour. I bought my bike three weeks before the race from a second-hand shop for £85 and I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I have been in the pool since the start of the year. As for running, I did a few long walks and threw in a bit of running now and then. I’m not sure the Brownlee brothers would be impressed with my preparation.

That’s not to say I didn’t do any physical activity. I play racquet sports regularly, and relied on the fitness I gain from that to see me through. One thing that helped was the fact that I managed to shed a few pounds (to get into that bridesmaid’s dress for the July wedding that I mentioned in my January column). It meant there was a bit less of me to drag around the course.

I was very nervous before the event though, nervous of the unfamiliarity of it all, of being surrounded by people who had done proper training and preparation, people looking like they knew what they were in for, people who seemed ready and confident. But it was a lovely and supportive atmosphere, and as I trotted around the route, those who overtook me offered words of encouragement to keep going.

The best thing was having my friends and family on the sidelines. On every lap, I could see my little posse of loved ones holding huge signs with my name on that I could easily spot. Although they were all cheering, the voice I could hear most was my friend Hayley (the bride from said wedding) shouting words of encouragement. I can’t tell you how much I looked forward to seeing and hearing them on every lap, knowing that every time I spotted them I was another step closer to the finish.

What I didn’t expect was the surge of emotion on nearing the end. My friend Stefan (who has done six of these so far!) had completed the event earlier in the day and we were both taking part in memory of our mutual friend Andy Wilkinson who passed away from pancreatic cancer a few years ago. He had been a proper triathlete, and I hope he’d be proud that I kept going and made it over the finish line.

This column appeared in the Darlington & Stockton Times on Friday 5th Sept and the Ryedale Gazette and Herald on Wednesday 3rd Sept 2025